Breakups are really, really, really hard.  J and I have had our issues for a while and they finally came to a head over the holidays.  We decided to ignore them and enjoy the family and travel time but once we were back in the city we called it quits for good.  

I know he’s not the guy for me but it’s still extremely difficult to loose such a significant person in your life.  We’ve still been talking and seeing each other occasionally (like once a week) but the more time I spend away from him, the less time I want to spend with him.  In my opinion, that’s extremely telling about the depth of our relationship.

One thing that I am really wrestling with is To Kink, or not To Kink.  Most of the issues that I had in our relationship stemmed from the D/s aspect of our relationship that spilled into day to day living.  A lot of the time I felt upset and used but my feelings were swept under the rug and not dealt with properly.  It’s not his fault, I thought I was being a “bad girlfriend” every time I complained. I’m not looking for a new partner but thinking about another unbalanced relationship makes me extremely anxious.  

It’s hard being alone but I’ve finally been able to be open with my friends about what happened and I am getting better every single day.  I have so many new exciting projects to work on and I’m finally regaining my sense of self.  Pretty soon I will be back to normal and ready to take on the world.  Until then I am having a wonderful experience getting to understand myself again.

Holy schnikes, Batman.  I always knew that stress could do horrible and strange things to your body but I didn’t know that it could cause your nervous system to release the chicken pox virus into your body again.   It can; it’s called Shingles and <——— this girl had it.  Usually people associate Shingles with old people in nursing homes but apparently you can get it when you get massively stressed out.  That’s what happened to me.  My apologies for anyone I blew off or was miserable around.  I had no idea what was wrong with me except that my whole right side was extremely tingly, sore and itchy all at the same time for a week and a half and I couldn’t do anything but sleep and even that was difficult.  The good news was I was at my parent’s house in New Jersey and they took pretty good care of me.  

I’m stubborn and refused to go to the doctor so passed the frame when anti-virals would help so I toughed it out for about two weeks.  But I learned a very, very important lesson.  I need to learn how to handle stress better.  I mean all the things I was worried about: my job, my grandma, my dog are all still here and they are all going to get better gradually and my stress and illness did nothing but make me even more miserable and prolong the situations.  

The good news is that I have a “relaxing” vacation with the family and extended family before I head to Utah (Park City to be exact) right after New Years.  I don’t ski but I am hoping to whine enough that my parents will spend my “lift ticket money” to get me a fancy-schmancy massage. Cause man, I sure need it! I am going to focus on resting up (well as much as anyone can sleeping on couches and air mattresses) so I am fresh and motivated for the new year.  Wish me luck!

I was talking with my friend Adam online.  Typically we try and keep our conversations full of literary puns and sexual innuendos; today was no different:

Anita Miller: I’m grumpy and down. :(

Adam: if i was there id make you dopey and sleepy

….via roofies

Anita Miller: im going to get nyquil tonight for sure

Adam: do not be bashful!

itll make you happy

nyquil? are you sneezy?

go to a doc

Yeah, I didn’t catch the 7 dwarfs reference until after the damage was done.  No, the italics were not there in the original text.

And for all the How I Met Your Mother fans, next time Adam and I grab drinks and J calls… “Ahoy Captain” will be how I answer my phone.

So, after months of sporadic paychecks and tense bosses I finally cut the cord with my company.  

It’s sad and scary.  I’ve been there for a year and a half and essentially built a website and a community.  The problem was that all my work was put on the back burner while the company decided to go down a much more financially lucrative track.  I get it.  I really do.  I would have stayed with them but I’ve been paid sporadically for almost a year now and the cash flow issues were getting worse.  I just couldn’t afford to work there for free anymore.

Oh well.

Keep your fingers crossed for me! 

Woah, was I nervous about introducing J to my extended family and then spending the weekend with my ‘rents and little bro.  So nervous that I told him not to come Wednesday night.  Needles to say that did not go over well with the boyfriend and resulted in an argument.  Something new and different for us.

While we got the long weekend off to a bad start, the rest of it was surprisingly smooth sailing.  There is still a huge elephant in the room when it comes to the age difference but he charmed the pants off everyone, grandma included.

Anyway, the weekend was fantastic.  Not only did the extended fam like the bf they also totally fell for the dog! So…. (drum roll please) I HAVE A PUPPY!  I signed the adoption papers yesterday and got her a collar and tag today!  I can’t believe it but I actually almost cried when I put it on her and told her that she’s allllllll mine and no one was ever going to take her away.

Okay, yeah I’m a sentimental and emotional girl but I HAVE A PUPPY!!!

I’m terrified of two things: death and the doctor’s office.

As I said before, music is a huge part of my life.  I’m in no way artistic but I appreciate art, especially art that I can sing along to when I’m happy (Teenage Dream) or blast when I am angry (Killing in the Name). 

One band I really love is the Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl is amazing and their songs are just perfect for every mood I am in.  One of my all time favorite Foo Fighters songs is “But, Honestly”, the guitar is amazing, the vocals are outstanding but, honestly my favorite part are the lyrics.

And tonight I thank the stars
As I count my lucky scars
For everything you’ve given me

Ahh, it’s just so good.  I’m playing the song on repeat right now.  I love this song so much I would get those lines tattooed on me if I thought there was a place big enough so it would be legible but I wouldn’t regret it later. 

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I’ve changed the name and theme of this tumblr account about 5 times now.  I can’t seem to settle on exactly what I want to discuss.  My life revolves around music and the future of the music industry so that would be a normal discourse but I blog about it professionally every…single…day… it’s boring after a while.

So I’m sitting here, dressed in my work clothes and tucked into my bed wondering what people would find the most interesting about me: my sex life.  Right now I am dating J.  He’s an amazing man who has inspired a shift in who I am as a person.  We’ve been dating about 6 months now and while they have been 6 incredibly challenging and difficult months I wouldn’t take them back for the world.

Before J I was stuck in a weird place, I had a satisfying job, I had a nice enough apartment and my friends were okay.  I was also kind of involved in a group in New York City that was extremely sex positive but allowed me to stay in my comfortable little groove.  I was stuck.

Dating J hasn’t been easy.  When we first started dating I was 23 and he was 46, I’ve since had my birthday and we celebrated the fact that he would never again be twice my age.  I get a lot of rude comments, surprisingly from my friends, which inspired the “I’m not a Sugar Baby” title.  

We never planned on falling in love but it happened.  I’m glad it did because he inspires me to be a better person in every aspect of my life.